One story in three translations:Ivan Bunin’s V Parizhe
--Akella Charumati Ramdas
Ivan Bunin (1870-1953) was the first Russian writer to be awarded the Nobel Prize in literature in 1933. Bunin had migrated to Paris soon after the Great October Revolution of 1917. In 1920 he left his motherland never to come back again.
Consequently, Bunin’s works could be classified into two categories: those written before 1920 (in Russia) and those written as an immigrant till his death (in Paris).
Bunin, though not very famous in Russia at that point of time, had a class of his own fans and readers. The readers were enchanted by his slow, classic, lyrical style and his love for description of minute details, depiction of the inner and outer worlds of not only human beings but those of animals and nature as well. In fact, Bunin's prose reads like poetry, what with rhyming jewels of words and universal generalisation and abstraction. Hence translating Bunin is a big challenge. How can one translate a picture, a portrait!
This particular story, V Parizhe "In Paris", was written in 1940 when Bunin had long settled in Paris. His love for minute details of everything that surrounded him makes the story unique. It reflects the psychology and life of immigrant Russians settled in Paris. So, Bunin, the master painter of life, includes both the Russian and the French socio-cultural elements in the story. In fact, it can be termed a bilingual story freely using French words, expressions and proverbs making it even more challenging for the translator, who might not be familiar with the French language and the French culture.
The present paper is an attempt to analyze three direct translations of V Parizhe into English, Hindi and Marathi. While the English translation is a commissioned one (by Olga Shartse, published in 1988 by Raduga Publishers, Moscow), the Hindi (by Prof J P Dimri) and the Marathi (by Prof V S Totawar) versions are the outcome of a workshop on Translating Bunin held at the CIEFL, Hyderabad, in 2002. These translations, published in 2003, are products of a collective effort.
1. A quick look at the story:
V Parizhe could be termed as an episode in the life of Nikolai Platonovich, who is a lonely Russian, deserted by his wife long back, settled in Paris.
The story opens on a gloomy note in the backdrop of late autumn. Throughout the story this gloom persists and it clears up only with the death of the protagonist in spring, when everything else is promising a young, everlasting life.
On a Thursday in autumn Nikolai Platonovich [For brevity, we will use NP hereafter] meets Olga Alexandrovna [OA hereafter] in a Russian restaurant. On Monday, they go to a movie and from there to Nikolai Platonovich’s flat from where Olga Alexandrovna never goes back. She quits her job and starts living with him. In winter he persuades her to take a locker (strongbox) in her name at the Lyons Credit Bank and deposit in it all the money he had earned.
On the third day of Easter, Nikolai Platonovich dies in the metro. He had been reading the newspaper, and then suddenly threw back his head and died…
The story ends on a sad note: Olga Alexandrovna, while cleaning the flat after the funeral, finds his old army great coat, she presses it to her face, and pressing it even closer sinks on the floor, jerking and shuddering from her sobs, begging someone for mercy.
In this paper an attempt is made to analyze the three translations in terms of a) proximity to the source text, b) translation of socio-cultural specificities of Russia and France, c) translation of linguo-cultural peculiarities like French- and Russian-specific words / expressions / proverbs, d) transliteration of proper nouns and e) the narrative style of the translation.
2. Proximity to the Source Text
All the three translations are very honest to the ST and have tried to stick to the style of the original, but the English version seems closer to the ST. The very first sentence of the story, which consists of six printed lines, tells about the approach of the translators:
ST:# Когда он был в шляпе, - шел по улице или стоял в вагоне метро, - и не видно было, что его коротко стриженные красноватые волосы остро серебрятся, по свежести его худого, бритого лица, по прямой выправке, высокой фигуры в длинном непромокаемом пальто, ему можно было дать не больше сорока лет.
Please note that this is just one sentence! Now let us have a look at the translations:
E: When he was wearing a hat, walking down the street or standing in the car of the metro, and you could not see the silver threads in his cropped reddish hair, you would say he was not more than forty, judging by the freshness of his lean, clean shaven face and his tall, lean figure in the long mackintosh.
The English version has retained the length of the single sentence and properly retained the cause-effect relationship. The cause is wearing of a hat and the effect is looking young.
H: जब भी वह हैट पहनता, सड़क पर चलता या मेट्रो के डिब्बे में खड़ा होता, पता ही नहीं लगता कि उसके छोटे कटॆ हुए ललछौंहे बाल तेज़ी से सफ़ेद हो रहे हैं. हजामत किए चेहरे की ताज़गी और लम्बी बरसाती में लिपटी सीधी, दुबली-पतली क़द-काठी को देखकर उसे चालीस से अधिक का नहीं कहा जा सकता था.
Here the original sentence is split into two, and the reason for the hero's looking young too is lost. Here is another option suggested:
जब भी वह हैट पहने सड़क पर चलता या मेट्रो के डिब्बे में खड़ा होता और उसके कटे ललछौंहे बालों में चांदी के तार नहीं दिखाई देते तो हजामत किए उसके चेहरे की ताज़गी और लम्बी बरसाती में लिपटी सीधी, दुबली-पतली क़द-काठी को देखते हुए उसे चालीस से अधिक का नहीं कहा जा सकता था.
M: Interestingly, the Marathi translation, though done independently, follows a very similar pattern:
तो हैटमध्ये असो, की सडके वरून जात असो, की मेट्रोच्या डब्यात उभा असो, त्याच्या बारीक कापलेल्या लालसर केसांवरची स्पष्ट चंदेरी झाक लक्षात येत नसे. ताज्या, दाढी केलेल्या त्याच्या नाजुकशा चेहर्यावरून व मेणकापडाच्या लांब रेनकोटमधील सरळ, सडपातळ आणि ताठ अंगकाठीवरून तो अगदी चाळिशीच्या आतलाच वाटायचा. Here, the first part of the sentence is ‘whether he would be wearing a hat, or walking down the street or standing in the car of a metro, you could not notice the silver threads in his hair.’ Obviously it has deviated from the ST: the emphasis is on the non-visibility of silver streaks, while the ST clearly states that due to his hat, when the silver streaks were not seen, he looked much younger.
The breaking of the long sentence has resulted in the separation of cause and effect (when…then). Such translation phenomena can be observed at many places in the two Indian translations: more in the Marathi version and less in the Hindi version. Obviously, the style looks deviating from the original. Bunin’s descriptive, painting-like style has been rendered nearer to explanatory narration thereby diluting the crisp, concise nature of narration of the ST.
3. Translation of socio-cultural specificities of Russia and France
As mentioned earlier, V Parizhe is a story written by a Russian writer settled in France. A good part of the action takes place in a Russian restaurant in Paris. The characters of the story are pretty familiar with French culture and use a lot of French words in their speech. These words and expressions are given in French in the ST, making it a bilingual story as mentioned earlier. However, the Hindi and Marathi translators used a Soviet edition of Bunin's collected works,# in which all French expressions are explained in Russian in footnotes by P.L. Vyacheslavov.
In addition, there are many words specific to the Russian culture as well.
All the three translators have expressed these culture-specific words as per their own preferences.
The English version of V Parizhe gives French words in Roman script, without giving any explanation for them; but when it comes to the Russian words the translator has given their English translation, and, if the English equivalent is not available she has written the Russian word in Roman script, but has not provided any explanation. In effect, the English version by Olga Shartse has become a trilingual story!
The Hindi translation gives the French words in Roman script and each word is explained in footnotes. The Russian words are expressed through their Hindi equivalents.
The Marathi version is inconsistent in this respect. Sometimes it gives French words/expressions in Devanagari transliteration, explaining the meaning in endnotes; sometimes it gives only a Marathi translation for the word. For Russian words, the translator gives their transliteration, which is not very accurate as exemplified below, and, their meaning - rather in too much detail - in the endnotes.
Here are a few examples:
3.1 ST: Вроде гастрономического
E: Delicatessen of sorts
H: प्रोविजन स्टोर सा "a sort of provision store" M: गस्त्रोनोमवजा "a sort of gastronom" … The explanation given in the endnote is: खाण्या पिण्याच्या वस्तू विकत मिळण्याचे ठिकाण, गिर्हाइकाची इच्छा असल्यास या दुकानात बसूनही खाता येतं "a place selling food and drinks; if the customer so desires, he may even sit and eat in this store". Instead of such an explanation, simply ‘Food Stores’ would have been better.
3.2 ST: Рябиновка
E: Ash berry Vodka
H: ऐशवृक्ष की बेरियों से बनी ब्रान्डी "brandy made from the berries of ash tree"
M: रिबीनफ्का "ryabinovka"… (रिबीना नावाच्या आंबट गोड छोट्या रानफाळांपासून तयार केलेली दारू (वोद्का)) "liquor (vodka) made from small sour-sweet berries named ryabina"
3.3 ST: Блины
E: Pancakes
H: पैन केक "pancakes" M: ब्लिन्ई "bliny" (मैद्याची धिरडी. ही सहसा लोणी, जैम वा मुरांब्या सोबत खातात) "pancake made of maida. It is generally eaten with butter, jam or jelly" One more example, where the three versions differ significantly from each other:
3.4 ST: щи флотские
E: Sailors’ Schi
H: श्ची "shchi" (foot-note: बंद गोभी, चुकन्दर तथा माँस के टुकड़ों से बना सूप) "soup made from cabbage, beetroot and meat pieces")
M: खलाशांचं आवडतं सूप "sailors' favourite soup"
3.5 ST: Борщ
E: Borsch (No explanation)
H: बोर्श्च "borsch" (बंद गोभी से तैयार किया गया सूप) "soup made of cabbage" M: बोर्श "borsch" (बीटरूट घालून केलेलं एक प्रकार चे सूप) "a kind of soup made with beetroot"
3.6 ST: Рассольник
E: Kidney Soup
H: खट्टे खीरों का सूप "(lit.) soup of sour cucumbers" (No mention of kidney … only pickled cucumbers)
M: रस्सोल्निक "rassolnik" (endnote: खारावलेल्या काकड्या, मांसाचे तुकडे वगैरे घालून करण्यात येणारे आंबटसर चवीचे रशियन सूप "sour-tasting Russian soup made by putting pickled cucumbers, meat pieces etc." )
3.7 ST: Bonsoir, monsieur.
(Добрый вечер, сударь.)
E: Bonsoir, monsieur.
(No explanation given.)
H: Bonsoir, monsieur.
शुभ संध्या, श्रीमान! "Good evening, sir!" M: बों सुआर् म्स्यो. गुड इविनिंग, सर "Good evening, sir" Interestingly, the Marathi version gives the meaning in English, written in transliteration in Devanagari, but maintains no uniformity in this regard. Another example will illustrate this:
3.8 ST: Мерси
(No explanation given.)
E: merci
(No explanation given)
H: मेर्सी (Transliteration in Devanagari)
धन्यवाद (फ्रेंच) "Thanks (French)". The explanation is given in the text of the story itself and not in the footnotes.
M: धन्यवाद "Thanks" (No transliteration, just translation given in the text of the story itself.)
One more example:
3.9 ST: caviar rouge, salade russe…deux chachlyks (Shashlik is a Russian word which is retained in this French expression).
(красной икры, винегрета...два шашлыка.)
E: caviar rouge, salade russe…deux chachlyks
(No explanation is given.)
H: caviar rouge, salade russe…deux chachlyks.
लाल कैवियर, रूसी सलाद और बोटी कबाब (फ्रेंच) "red caviar, Russian salad and boti kabab (French)" (Interestingly, the Hindi translation does not say that it is two kababs that are ordered.) M: काविआर रूज्ह, सालाद र्यूस...द्ओ षाषलीक (Transliteration in Devanagari, but the meaning of this expression is not explained. Only caviar is explained in an endnote: कावियार–स्टर्जन माशाची अंडी. गाभोळी, लाल व काळ्या अशा दोन रंगात मिळणारी. ही अंडी रशियातच नव्हे तर संपूर्ण यूरोपात अतिशय खास पक्वान्न समजली जातात.) "caviar - eggs of the sturgeon-fish. Embryo and available in two colours: red and black. These eggs are considered an extremely special delicacy not only in Russia, but in entire Europe."
4. Expressing French- and Russian-specific words/ expressions/ proverbs
In the original, Ivan Bunin mentions that the protagonist Nikolai Platonovich had spent a few years of his immigrant life in Provence, heard more than an earful of biting Provencal jokes and, when in Paris, liked to insert them in his always-concise speech. To be precise, there are six French proverbs in the ST. The translators have dealt with them differently.
The ST gives them in French (Roman script) and their meaning is given in footnotes in Russian.
The English version too gives them in French itself but explains the meaning of only four of them in English in the footnotes.
The Hindi version follows the same pattern of giving the French proverbs in Roman script and explaining their meaning in Hindi in footnotes. All the proverbs are explained.
The Marathi version just gives a translation in Marathi.
But it is interesting to see how the proverbs are translated. Quite a few variations are observed in the process. We will quote four of them below:
4.1. ST: Rien n’est plus difficile que de reconnaître un bon melon et une femme de bien.
[Нет ничего более трудного, как распознать хороший арбуз и порядочную женщину.]
E: Rien n’est plus difficile que de reconnaître un bon melon et une femme de bien.
[Nothing is more difficult than telling at a look if a water melon is ripe or a woman is virtuous.]
H: Rien n’est plus difficile que de reconnaître un bon melon et une femme de bien.
[एक अच्छे तरबूज़ और शालीन महिला को पहचानने से मुश्किल काम दुनिया में और कोई नहीं है (फ्रेंच) "Nothing is more difficult in the world than to recognise a good melon and a decent woman"]
M: (Only a translation is given) चांगले टरबूज़ व चारित्र्यवान स्त्री ओळखणे याहून कठिण दुसरे काही नाहीं "Nothing is more difficult than to recognise a good melon and a woman with character"
So we see that un bon melon and femme de bien have been rendered as хороший арбуз and порядочная женщина in Russian; ripe water melon and virtuous woman in English, अच्छा तरबूज़ and शालीन महिला in Hindi and चांगले टरबूज़ and चारित्र्यवान स्त्री in Marathi. Of the three translations, the most appropriate are the adjectives used in Hindi.
4.2. ST: L'eau gâte le vin comme la charrette le chemin et la femme - l'âme.
[Вода портит вино так же, как повозка дорогу и как женщина душу.]
E: L'eau gâte le vin comme la charrette le chemin et la femme - l'âme.
(Water spoils the wine as a cart ruins the road, and a woman the soul.)
H: L'eau gâte le vin comme la charrette le chemin et la femme - l'âme.
पानी वाईन को उसी तरह ख़राब करता है जैसे गाड़ी सड़क को और औरत दिल को. "Water spoils the wine just as a vehicle spoils a road and a woman spoils a heart."
M: (No French version is given; just the translation is given)
मद्याची चव जशी पाण्याने कमी होते आणि गाड्यांच्या रहदारीमुळे जसा रस्ता खराब होतो, तसं स्त्री मुळं चरित्र डागाळतं. "Just as wine's taste becomes weaker with water and the road's condition deteriorates with the movement of vehicles, deeds too get blemished due to a woman".
The construction has become passive and the word चरित्र which is the Hindi version of ‘character’, in Marathi actually stands for "actions, deeds, exploits, achievements, esp. of gods / heroes".चारित्र्य is the word for ‘character’ in Marathi. But, there is a more serious deviation here: the main clause has been replaced by a subordinate one and vice versa. In the Marathi translation, water spoiling the wine and vehicles spoiling the road are only examples to illustrate how a woman taints one's deeds (the latter has now become the main statement). In the other 4 versions (the original French, Russian footnotes and the other two translations), the main clause is Water spoils the wine, which is exemplified by the other two.
It may be noticed that l'âme is given as душа in Russian (both of which mean "soul, spirit"), soul in English, दिल "heart" in Hindi and चरित्र in Marathi. It could have been आत्मा in Hindi as well as in Marathi.
Alas, a very important feature of the original has been missed by the modern translators: the wonderfully poetic harmony of the French expression with its rhyme, resonance and melody. The one which comes closest to it is in the Russian rendering, which can be roughly transcribed as follows: [vada: po:rtit vino: ta:g zhe, ka:k pavo:ska daro:gu i zhe:nshchina du:shu].
4.3. ST: Le bon Dieu envoie toujours des culottes á ceux qui n’ont pas de derrière.
[Милосердный господ всегда дает штаны тем, у кого нет зада.] Curiously, the Russian version says дает "gives" in place of the original envoie "sends".
E: Le bon Dieu envoie toujours des culottes á ceux qui n’ont pas de derrière.
(No explanation is given.)
H: Le bon Dieu envoie toujours des culottes á ceux qui n’ont pas de derrière.
परमात्मा पतलून उसे देता है जिसके कि चूतड़ न हों "God gives pants to the one, who has no bottom" M: (No French proverb is given but its meaning is conveyed through some other proverb in Marathi.) चणे आहेत तर दात नाहीत, दात आहेत तर चणे नाहीत. "If there are nuts, there are no teeth, and if there are teeth, there are no nuts".
This replacement may appear suitable for the target readers, but a literal translation could have given the readers information about the French proverb. (More about this follows below.)
4.4. ST: Qui se marie par amour a bonnes nuits et mauvais jours.
[ Кто женится по любви, тот имеет хорошие ночи и скверные дни.] ["He who marries for love has good nights and vile days"].
E: Qui se marie par amour a bonnes nuits et mauvais jours.
(He who marries for love has good nights and bad days.) [A competent translation]
H: Qui se marie par amour a bonnes nuits et mauvais jours.
जो प्रेम विवाह करता है उसकी रातें तो अच्छी होती हैं लेकिन दिन बुरे.(One who marries one's love has good nights, but bad days.) [Again a competent translation of the French original]
M: (The French proverb is not given, only its translation is given.)
रात्री रंगीन आणि दिवस ओंगळ वाईट घालवायला आवडतात म्हणून लोक लग्न करतात. (People marry because they like to spend colourful nights and bad vile days.)
It can be clearly seen that this is a translation of Vyacheslavov's Russian footnote. It reads as: [Бывает, что женятся из-за того, что нравятся хорошие ночи и скверные дни.] This calls for a critical comment. The original French expression is "He who marries for love has good nights and vile days", but Vyacheslavov has inexplicably turned it into "It does happen that people marry just because they like good nights and vile days".
Our Marathi translator, who actually knows French, has failed to see that the cause and the effect have been turned back to front. Several words have been added and, what's more, the all important information about 'love marriage' has been omitted.
5. Let us now see some other examples of misrepresentation.
5.1 ST: Он опять взглянул на нее: очень красив белый передник с прошивками на черном платье, красиво выдаются под ним груди сильной молодой женщины.
E: He looked at her again. The white pinafore with lace insets looked very pretty on the black dress, and beautifully shaped the breasts of the robust young woman. (A competent translation.)
H: उसने फिर उस महिला पर नज़र डाली: लेस से सजा हुआ एप्रन काली फ्रॉक के ऊपर बहुत अच्छा लग रहा था और उसके नीचे से सुडौल जवान औरत का ख़ूबसूरती से उभरता वक्षस्थल. "He glanced at that woman again: the apron embellished with lacework was looking good on the black frock and (as also) the beautifully emerging breastline of the robust young woman from under it." The underlined से "from" could have been avoided here.
M: त्यानं परत तिच्याकडे बघितलं, लेसवजा भरतकाम केलेला पांढरा एप्रन काळ्या फ्रॉक वर फारच शोभून दिसत होता आणि फ्रॉक खालून त्या धिप्पाड तरुण स्त्रीचे उन्नत उरोज मोहकपणे बाहेर डोकावत होते. "He looked at her again. The white apron with lace-like embroidery was looking very attractive on the black frock, and, from under the frock, the high breasts of that tall and strong young woman were attractively peeping out."
It can be seen that the Marathi translation is rather too free. Firstly, लेसवजा भरतकाम means lace-like embroidery; there is some avoidable addition here. Secondly, धिप्पाड "tall and strong" does not convey Olga Alexandrovna's robust youth, on the contrary makes her somewhat masculine in appearance. Similarly, the adjective उन्नत "high, tall; lofty" has been used for her breasts, whereas the original has no such qualifier.
5.2 Another example of misinformation:
When Olga Alexandrovna asks Nikolai Platonovich whether he too, like her husband, had participated in the White Movement, he answers:
ST: Да, участвовал и в великой и в гражданской войне.
E: Oh, yes, I fought both in the First World war and in our civil War.
H: हाँ, मैंने प्रथम विश्वयुद्ध एवँ गृह युद्ध में भाग लिया था. "Yes, I took part in the First World War and the civil war."
M: होय, मी ही घेतला होता. मी दुसर्या महायुद्धात व यादवी युद्धात पण भाग घेतला होता. "Yes, I too participated. I took part in the Second World War and in the civil war too."
Here मी ही घेतला होता "I too had taken" is extra. दुसर्या महायुद्धात "in the Second World War" is wrong and exemplifies the pitfalls that every translator must scrupulously avoid. The story was written in 1940 and Russia was involved in the Second World War only after June 1941! So, the translation should have been either महायुद्धात "in the world war" or प्रथम महायुद्धात "in the First World War". 5.3 Yet another pitfall for translators is mixing up dialogues, which may result in hilarious, if not outrageous, gender-swapping etc.
Nikolai Platonovich invites Olga Alexandrovna to a film on a Monday, which is a holiday for her. The dialogue goes like this:
ST: -Ну вот и пойдем в понедельник. Нынче что? Суббота? Значит послезавтра. Идет?
-Идет. Завтра вы, очевидно, не придете?
-Нет, еду за город, к знакомым.
E: “Well then, let’s go on Monday. What’s today? Saturday? That means the day after tomorrow. Agreed?”“Agreed. I take it you’re not coming here tomorrow.”
“No, I’m going out of town to visit friends…”
H: तो फिर सोमवार को चलेंगे. आज कौन सा दिन है? शनिवार? इसका मतलब-परसों. ठीक है?
ठीक है. लगता है कि कल आप (यहाँ?) नहीं आएंगे?नहीं, मैं कल अपने परिचितों के पास शहर से बाहर जा रहा हूँ.
M: तर मग सोमवारी जाऊया की! आज वार कोणता? शनिवार का? म्हणजे परवा जायचं. चालेल? चालेल. उद्या, अर्थातच, तुम्हीं कामावर येणार नाहीं.
नाहीं. मी आमच्या ओळखीच्यांकडे चालली आहे जवळपासच्या एका गावात.
As can be seen, the Marathi version inexplicably split the second dialogue (rendered in E as “Agreed. I take it you’re not coming here tomorrow.”) into two and apportioned each of the two parts to the two characters. The result is that it is not Olga Alexandrovna, who is asking whether Nikolai Platonovich will not come the next day, but the other way round. And, it is she who is replying that she will be going out of town to visit some acquaintances! And, to accommodate this comedy of errors, the Marathi translation is forced to use the feminine ending of the verb for her: चालली! As if this were not enough, an extra word has been added to NP's question, implying that OA will not come to work the next day, leaving the Marathi reader to understand that she is going to the country to visit her acquaintances - and not NP - whereas the ST mentions just the opposite. Similarly, the expression जाऊया की! (with an exclamation mark and an additional की!) which can be roughly translated as "Come on, let's go!" expresses NP's thrill which is not the case with the ST.
In addition to the above, a close look at the three translations reveals as follows:
Bunin's очевидно 'obviously' has been rendered in English using 'I take it that …', in Hindi using लगता है कि "It seems that…" and in Marathi using अर्थातच "obviously".
Another instance when the Marathi translation is more appropriate than the other two is in the case of NP's question and OA's positive reply: "Идет? Идет". The English version used "Agreed? Agreed." and the Hindi version rendered it as "Is it alright? It is alright." The Marathi version, on the other hand, makes use of an exact equivalent: चालेल? चालेल. "Will it go? It will go." In Hindi too, it could have been चलेगा? चलेगा.
The English translation replaced Bunin's знакомые "acquaintances" with 'friends', while the other two retained the original word.
Curiously, all 3 translations have converted Olga Alexandrovna's question, whether Nikolai Platonovich will not come the next day, into a statement!
While doing so, the English translator has added the modifier 'here', whereas the Marathi translation has interpolated a confusing "to work", as described above.
5.4 Let us now look at another example:
ST: Бывший участник белого движения
E: He was an officer in the white movement
H: श्वेत आंदोलन के भूतपूर्व सदस्य "a former member of the White movement". This is an exact translation and श्वेत आंदोलन is explained in the footnotes as गृह युद्ध के समय क्रांति विरोधी आंदोलन "an anti-revolution movement during the civil war".
M: ते व्हाइट आर्मीचे सदस्य होते व त्यांनी व्हाइट चळवळीत भाग घेतला होता. "He was a member of the White Army and had taken part in the White movement". व्हाइट आर्मी "White Army" is explained in the endnotes as रशियन क्रांति व कम्युनिस्तांविरुद्ध लढा देणारी रशियन झारशाही व सरंजामशाहीची पुरस्कर्ती संघटना. या संघटनेचे बरेचसे सदस्य रशिया सोडून निघून गेले किंवा लाल सैन्याकडून मारले गेले "the leading Russian tsarist and state service force that fought against the Russian revolution and the communists. Many members of this force left Russia or were killed by the Red Army". Many such details are poured into the text as well as the endnotes impeding clarity and readability.
5.5 Here is another example of mistranslation:
NP and OA meet at the metro station. OA is wearing a long evening dress. They decide to go to a restaurant. While going in a taxi NP notices her knees outlined by the evening dress. The extract:
ST: Он увидел её крупные колени под вечерним платьем.
E: He saw her knees outlined by the black evening gown.
H: वह देखता रहा काली इविनिंग ड्रेस के नीचे उसके सुडौल घुटनों को. "He went on looking at her strong knees under the black evening dress." Here, the perfective aspect of the original verb has been replaced by the imperfective aspect, turning a one-time action into a long process.
M: इविनिंग गाऊन खालून तिचे जाडजूड गुडघे दिसत होते. "Her fat knees were visible from under the evening gown."
6. Transliteration of proper nouns
It is rather easy to render Russian proper nouns in English since both Cyrillic and Latin scripts are alphabetical in nature and the transliteration can be almost letter-to-letter. Not so with Indian scripts, which are syllabic in nature. Devanagari, which is used for both Hindi and Marathi, is an especially difficult script in this respect. To represent the Russian soft consonants, the stressed and unstressed vowels, the short vowel at the end of a word, etc. in Devanagari is a formidable task for the translator.
The English version of V Parizhe accomplishes the task rather easily, giving a phonemic transliteration of Russian proper nouns. The Hindi version too sticks to the conventional phonemic transliteration, though it represents a distinctly distorted pronunciation, e.g. ओल्गा अलेक्सान्द्रोव्ना, निकोलाई प्लातोनोविच, एकातेरिनोदार.
Perhaps keeping in mind the above mentioned problems and/ or perhaps in the interest of achieving precision, the Marathi translation under consideration tries to give a phonetic rendering of not only Russian proper nouns, but also French words / proper nouns, e.g.
ओल्गा अलिक्सांद्र्व्ना, निकालाइ प्लातोनविच, एकाचेरिनादार्स्कच्या मुलीला; बों सुआर् म्स्यो, आमी! फाम द मेनाज्ह
Unfortunately, this only creates a new set of problems. The transcription given is not always accurate (e.g. the last consonant in सुआर् should be silent, the town एकाचेरिनादार्स्क does not have any affricate in its name at all, the name निकालाइ should not end in a vowel at all). In any case, the pronunciation still remains far from satisfactory, and, the readers are most likely to long to revert back to the phonemic rendering: they were at least used to it!
7. Narrative style
Although Ivan Bunin's writings are a century old, his narrative style and language are as modern as any. Of course, whenever necessary, Bunin uses different registers to bring out the various traits of his characters. The translator needs to be alert to such usage and translate in the most appropriate way possible.
While the English and the Hindi versions have to a large extent succeeded in maintaining the style of the ST, the Marathi version falls short of it. In an attempt to convey Bunin's use of certain outdated expressions, the Marathi translation took recourse to slang, which defeats the purpose.
Here is an example:
7.1 ST: -Как вас величать прикажете?
"lit. How would you order me to address you by your patronymic? = What is your patronymic?" (In Russian, a combination of the first name and the patronymic is the most respectful form of address.)
-Ольга Александровна. А вас, позвольте узнать?
"Olga Alexandrovna. And you, let me know?"
In using the outdated величать "call by patronymic" and прикажете "you will order", NP is trying to impress upon OA that he only has the greatest respect for her and no mean intentions at all. And OA too is responding suitably by using a highly formal позвольте узнать "permit me to know".
Unfortunately, this has proved a hard nut to crack for all the three translators, cf.
E: May I know your name?
I am Olga Alexandrovna. And you?
This is rather too informal and completely fails to convey Bunin's use of a special register. In fact, NP's use of величать прикажете is precisely to avoid such a mundane question as "May I know your name?"; he wants to show to OA that he is placing her on a high pedestal of respect.
H: आपको कैसे पुकारूँ? "How shall I call you?"
ओल्गा अलेक्सान्द्रोव्ना. और आपको? "Olga Alexandrovna. And you?"
This is syntactically closer to the ST, but far from satisfactory from NP's point of view: he really does not want to say, Как вас звать? "lit. How to call you? = How should I call you?"
M: आपणास कोण्या नावानं बोलवावं गरिबाने?
"lit. By what name should a poor fellow call you(r majesty)?"
ओल्गा अलिक्सांद्र्व्ना. आणि आपलं नाव सांगायची कृपा कराल?
"Olga Alexandrovna. And will you do the favour of telling your name?"
This turns out to be a concoction of registers and has the potential to belittle both NP and OA in each other's eyes as well as the readers'. For one thing, NP never intended to be thought of as a 'poor fellow', much less call himself so. Slang forms like कोण्या and बोलवावं precisely defeat the purpose for which NP is avoiding the usual, though standard, replicas.
To conclude, it must be said that all the three translations have attempted as close and faithful a rendering of the ST as possible. However, the Marathi translation turned out to be more free than the other two, mainly because of overreaching.
Take for example the proverb "The good Lord always sends pants to those who have no rear" rendered in Marathi as दात आहेत तर चणे नाहीत, चणे आहेत तर दात नाही "If there are teeth, there are no nuts; if there are nuts, there are no teeth". The liberty taken by the translator here is completely uncalled for. Not merely because it is nowhere close to the ST whether in meaning or in rhyming. There is a far more important reason. The intelligent, witty, philosophical, bitingly sarcastic and poetic (!) proverb of the ST has been replaced by a mundane utterance that sounds like commonplace whining. The result is gross injustice to the author, Bunin, and his protagonist, NP. Recall how Bunin had - just a few minutes earlier! - told us that NP had learnt some biting / pungent Provencal / French jokes / proverbs and would habitually insert them in his always-concise speech. The Marathi translation has lost all that satire and the Marathi reader is left wondering whether the complaint about teeth and nuts is the kind of pungent French proverbs that NP learnt.
The important lesson to learn from this is that, before attempting any liberties from the original, especially when it is literature (as opposed to scientific-technical texts), to which the translator really wants to be faithful, she must acquaint herself thoroughly with the author's intentions, the very plot of the story, its background, the characterisation of the protagonists, the 'reference to the context' et al. The point is that no translator should misrepresent the original author. Otherwise, the translation ceases to be a translation.
Adding up all the changes made, the elaborate explanations given and the extraneous words inserted and considering the detailed endnotes, it can be seen that the Marathi translation is more like classroom teaching of literature rather than translation. In the process, Bunin's precise, concise style is lost.
A point to note is that the process of translation seems to get greatly influenced by the professional background as well as the gender of the translator. The Hindi and the Marathi versions have been produced by male translators, who are both linguists by profession with little experience in translating literature. Their translations tend towards a 'scientific' (read word-to-word) account of the episodes, robbing the story of its artistic charm and cohesion. The English version has come from an experienced female translator. Not much is known about her professional background, but her experience in translating literature can be seen throughout the story. Being a woman, she could beautifully convey the scene depicting OA's first meeting with NP as also that of her first visit to NP's apartment. And, she made no mistake in understanding and conveying how OA's dresses are made and what they reveal and what they cannot!
References
1. БУНИН И.А., 1986, Легкое Дыхание (Повести и рассказы). Изд. Саратовского Университета,
2. BUNIN IVAN,1988 Light Breathing and Other Stories. Tr. by Olga Shartse, Moscow, Raduga Publishers,
3. BUNIN IVAN, 2003, लुब्ध वियोग (Lubdha viyog), selected stories in Marathi, Pune, Rohan publishers.
4. BUNIN IVAN, 2003, चुनी हुई रचनाएँ. Selected works in Hindi, New Delhi, Prakashan Sansthan.
